• Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: CLASS OF 1999

    Classof1999CLASS OF 1999 (1990)
    Showing Tuesday 10/1/2013 at The Hollywood Theatre

    Basically, this is a great movie. It’s set in Seattle in 1999, in a “future” in which cities are post-apocalyptic war zones and high schools have guard towers, kind of like prisons. The high school principal, played by Malcolm McDowell (A CLOCKWORK ORANGE) hires a man with creepy white eyes and a white mullet pulled into a rat tail to straighten the school out with his crew of human-like android teachers. This odd man is portrayed by Stacy Keach (PREY OF THE JAGUAR – awesome), and there is a wonderful scene in which he seductively eats a banana while staring at the camera. This scene alone is worth the price of admission.

    It’s one of those movies in which technology seems to offer a solution, but ends up turning on the humans. The inevitable happens of course, as the androids–rather, “battledroids” as Keach calls them–run amuck and start offing students during class. The hero of this movie is a kid who just got out of prison named Cody, whose coke-sniffing little brother is the weird kid from NEAR DARK. He’s the leader of the Blackhearts, one of the gangs at the school. They drive around in battle cars straight out of MAD MAX. Their main rivals are called the Razorheadz (that’s right, with a “z”). Upon his re-entry into student life, Cody figures out that something is amiss when he watches the gym teacher zestfully snap his friend’s neck after class. The two rival gangs team up to stop the teachers and their bizarre behavior (one of the robo-teachers spanks not one, but two students to death), and naturally, everything goes to hell.

    An aside: One of the android teachers is played by legendary blaxploitation queen Pam Grier (WOMEN IN CAGES, FOXY BROWN). It’s not often you get to see Grier playing an out-of-control robot, aka Robo-Grier. Like in ROBOCOP and CYBERTRACKER 2, we are allowed to see what the robot sees, as they assess the situation and list their directives on their viewfinder to decide what to do. In Robo-Grier’s case, her disciplinary options include “KARATE MOVES” and “PUNCHES”. Needless to say, she beats the hell out of some future punks. Directed by Mark Lester.

  • Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: CYBER-TRACKER 2

    Cybertracker2_webCYBER-TRACKER 2 (1995)
    Showing Tuesday 9/3/2013 at The Hollywood Theatre

    This film is kind of hard to explain. The film stars world kickboxing champion Don “The Dragon” Wilson (Futurekick, Bloodfist 1 through 8) as a futuristic cop and Jim Maniaci (Cybertracker 1, Hologram Man) as some kind of cyber-tracker thing. “The Dragon” doesn’t actually do any martial arts in this movie, so we’re just going to have to accept the world kickboxing champion claim from the back of the VHS box. One could say that the movie is essentially a re-telling of the classic 1987 sci-fi masterpiece Robocop, with the exception that in this film, rather than turning the shattered body of a cop into a multi-million dollar cyborg crime fighting unit, the police force simply bought a bunch of shiny silver crap from Radio Shack and glued it onto him. One could say that, but it would be a lie.

    In CYBER-TRACKER 2, “The Dragon” returns to reprise his role as Eric Phillips, a cop who battles an underground crime lord who is bent on replacing him and his reporter wife with look-alike robots… so that they can continue with their larger scheme of replacing all the politicians with robots… so they can rule the world. Well, you know what they say: “Good ideas make great movies.” (or so I have read). The cyborg guy is actually a pointless side character, and he’s on the poster because nobody knows who Don “The Dragon” Wilson is. This movie is actually about a bunch of random people crashing cars into things, running from explosions, and shooting at each other with futuristic guns. To quote the official tagline of the movie: IT’S CREATORS DO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW THEY HAVE ACHIEVED THE NEXT LEVEL!