• Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: STEELE JUSTICE

    steele_justice_WEBSTEELE JUSTICE (1987)
    Showing Tuesday 7/1/2014 at The Hollywood Theatre

    B-Movie Bingo is turning 3 this month, and in celebration we bring you STEELE JUSTICE on 35mm! We have a watery-looking VHS tape as a backup, in case the film is destroyed from all the shooting happening on screen. However, that would require fake movie bullets to “break the fourth wall” and shoot out toward the audience, thus acknowledging it, which is unlikely since fake movie bullets aren’t human, or even well-trained animals.

    In STEEL JUSTICE, Martin Kove (the asshole dojo instructor from THE KARATE KID) plays John Steele, a man who dishes out… justice. “Steele justice”, to be exact. Justice served with a healthy side of shirtless shooting. Steele has a venomous pet snake named “Three Step” he wears as a scarf–if it bites you, death will overtake you after taking only three steps. Why does he wear a snake as a scarf? Because he is a badass who does what he wants.

    The movie opens up in 1975 showing Steele and his buddy Lee as soldier pals in Vietnam being almost killed (via a rat with a grenade strapped to its back) by the evil General Kwan. They come out on top however, with Steele shooting Kwan in the chest with a knife. Yes, as stated before, he is a badass… he has a gun that shoots knives. Cut to present day 1987, and Steele is a marginally employed, divorced, disgraced ex-cop alcoholic loser for whom life just hasn’t been the same since the war. When his old buddy (and former LAPD partner) Lee is killed by Vietnamese gangsters, it’s ‘Nam all over again, as it smells like the handiwork of none other than Kwan himself. That’s all the exposition you need to justify… Steele justice. And lots of warehouse fights and shooting.

    I should note that Steele’s ex-wife is played by Sela Ward, who appeared to be in a daze much of the movie–turns out she actually was! At the time of the filming, she was living with MacGyver himself, Richard Dean Anderson. He had a sliding glass door that led out to the pool, and she walked into it–breaking her nose–and required mild pain meds to get through the scenes. I guess MacGyver can’t fix everything with a wink and a smile (and duct tape), as implied by the premise of that show.

    This movie has tons of great 80s dialogue, especially when other characters refer to Steele. Here are some examples I found that someone was nice enough to compile:

    “The war never ended for you, John.”

    “He isn’t being recruited… he’s being unleashed.”

    “They trained him to kill… then they turned him loose.”

    “You cannot stop him… all you can do is kill him.”

    “Steele’s back.”

    “It’ll take an Army to stop him.”

    I think my favorite is “Steele’s back.” It sums up not only the movie, but also the character and story arcs of the man that is John Steele. Written and directed by Robert Boris (DIPLOMATIC SiEGE).

     

  • Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: ONE MAN FORCE

    onemanforce_WEBONE MAN FORCE (1989)
    Showing Tuesday 6/3/2014 at The Hollywood Theatre

    Jake Swan. Narcotics detective. 6′ 8″ – 280 lbs. 21″ biceps, 55″ chest. Best known for playing Sloth in THE GOONIES (1985). No one enforces the law… like he does!

    In ONE MAN FORCE, former NFL bad boy John “Tooz” Matuszak (Los Angeles Raiders, THE GOONIES) plays LAPD detective Jake Swan, who only plays by one set of rules–his own. This is a guy who literally only runs plays out of his own playbook. What a Goonie! If that’s not Goonie material, nothing is! Okay, enough with the football and Goonies references. But still, LORD OF THE RINGS actor and former Goonie Sean Astin would be proud of his dedication to his ideals. And if Sean is proud, it follows that Elijah Wood, Peter Jackson and Gandalf would also be proud. These are all men with high ideals. All would love this movie.

    All that aside, when Swan’s partner is killed in a drug bust gone wrong, he vows revenge and quits the force to take things into his own hands, and essentially becomes a one man force. You know–blowing stuff up and throwing people into walls. Much like the Goonies, when assembled, he is truly a force to be reckoned with! The main difference is that the Goonies were kids who used their wits to defeat both “real” crooks and “evil real estate developer” crooks, and Jake Swan is a single behemoth of a man, roughly the size of a pirate ship compared to these kids. We’re looking forward to the GOONIES sequel, which picks up thirty years after the events of the first film. If Sean Astin and Corey Feldman are to be believed, producer Steven Spielberg and director Dick Donner are both on board… but it won’t be the same without “Tooz” swinging from a rope across the bow of a pirate ship! Let’s hope a CGI version of Sloth will be created by Andy Serkis (“Andy! …You Goonie!!!”), or at least some usable archival footage will come to light. Directed by Dale Trevillion.

     

  • Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: DOUBLE TROUBLE

    doubletrouble_WEBDOUBLE TROUBLE (1992)
    Showing Tuesday 5/6/2014 at The Hollywood Theatre

    Peter and David Paul, better known as “The Barbarian Brothers”, were twin beefcakes who looked like a pair of roided-out Sandra Bullocks. They bounced from buddy comedy to buddy comedy, scrabbling to find purchase in the rocky soil of Hollywood. Their go-to move was flipping cars. Looking back, they may not have succeeded in their quest, but at least they still look like a couple of Sandra Bullocks.

    In DOUBLE TROUBLE, they star as Peter and David Jade, twins on opposites sides of the law–which is ample fodder for all kinds of comedy. That being said, this movie is very entertaining. Peter is a cop for the LAPD whose only shirt is a cut-off Raiders sweatshirt, and David is a cat burglar who specializes in diamond heists. He prefers to wear suits, and lives in swanky condo. Peter lives in a hellhole and lets his cat use the sink as a litter box.

    Much to Peter’s annoyance, he is called to a crime scene only to catch his estranged, albeit muscular, twin brother red-handed. He discovers that while trying to rob a safe, the recently-incarcerated David had stumbled upon a key to a secret room full of diamonds, and the bad guys want it back. For reasons unknown, the chief of police, played by John “Scotty” Doohan (STAR TREK), sees it fit to pull David out of jail and team these guys up to take down the criminals and clean up the city. Pretty good plot–can’t wait to see how it pans out. Tropical ending, perhaps?

    Also of note: David Carradine has a cameo. Directed by John Paragon.

    A day in the life of a beefcake.

  • Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: COLLISION COURSE

    collisioncourse_WEBCOLLISION COURSE (1989)
    Showing Tuesday 4/1/2014 at The Hollywood Theatre

    At one time, Jay Leno was a successful stand-up comic who occasionally appeared in movies. In the late 80s, with his star on the rise, Leno made his one and only film appearance in a leading role in COLLISION COURSE–a movie that technically was never finished, but was put out on video anyway.

    Leno plays Detroit cop Tony Costas, who lives in a hellhole and does whatever he wants. It’s clear from the onset that he quit following the rules long ago. When a Japanese business man is killed over a top-secret car part, Inspector Fuji, played by Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi), comes to town, and is teamed up with Leno to solve the case. Let’s just say at this point the racial jokes really start flying. Leno also asks every woman he encounters for her “home number”. But hey! It was the 80s, what do you expect? Leno truly is the “king of the zing”. Directed by Lewis Teague.

    New squares alert: LATTICE, CAR CRUSHER, STAKEOUT

    Remember when Jay Leno did Doritos commercials?

  • Hot!

    B-MOVIE BINGO: COBRA

    COBRA_webCOBRA (1986)
    Showing Tuesday 2/4/2014 at The Hollywood Theatre

    If crime is a disease, then officer Marion “Cobra” Cobretti is the cure. Thus it goes to follow that if lame movies are also a disease, then the cure is still COBRA. In COBRA we have an example of what could be close to a perfect bingo movie experience: a “bingo movie” being a movie that has tons of bingo squares and is fun to watch, and is 90 min or less. There are some other things that figure into this, but that’s it in a nutshell.

    COBRA stars Sylvester Stallone as Cobra, a rouge cop on LAPD’s off-the-books “Zombie Squad”. The “Zombie Squad” is a group of cops that come out of the woodwork to mop up messes that the usual legal channels can’t seem to figure out. You’d think we’d meet other members of the Zombie Squad in this movie, but we don’t. All we get is his partner Gonzales, whose main contribution to the story is that he likes candy bars. That’s pretty much all he talks about, aside from Gummy Bears.

    The story goes like this: an axe-wielding cult called “The Order”, which meets in an abandoned swimming pool, starts killing the populace at random. Heralding a violent “new world order” and declaring that “only the strong will survive”, it’s soon apparent that only Cobra can take care of these psychos. A beautiful model named Ingrid, played by Brigitte Nielsen (introduced by a bizarre photo shoot featuring robots), witnesses a roadside murder, and is targeted by the group. Cobra decides to take Ingrid to a safehouse out in the country, where after a late-night discussion (while he “assembles his weapon”) on how important it is to kill bad guys, they develop a romantic interest in each other. The next day all hell breaks loose as The Order descends upon them for the final showdown. Rated “C” for COBRA. Directed by George P. Cosmatos.