Hot! B-MOVIE BINGO: COBRA

COBRA_webCOBRA (1986)
Showing Tuesday 2/4/2014 at The Hollywood Theatre

If crime is a disease, then officer Marion “Cobra” Cobretti is the cure. Thus it goes to follow that if lame movies are also a disease, then the cure is still COBRA. In COBRA we have an example of what could be close to a perfect bingo movie experience: a “bingo movie” being a movie that has tons of bingo squares and is fun to watch, and is 90 min or less. There are some other things that figure into this, but that’s it in a nutshell.

COBRA stars Sylvester Stallone as Cobra, a rouge cop on LAPD’s off-the-books “Zombie Squad”. The “Zombie Squad” is a group of cops that come out of the woodwork to mop up messes that the usual legal channels can’t seem to figure out. You’d think we’d meet other members of the Zombie Squad in this movie, but we don’t. All we get is his partner Gonzales, whose main contribution to the story is that he likes candy bars. That’s pretty much all he talks about, aside from Gummy Bears.

The story goes like this: an axe-wielding cult called “The Order”, which meets in an abandoned swimming pool, starts killing the populace at random. Heralding a violent “new world order” and declaring that “only the strong will survive”, it’s soon apparent that only Cobra can take care of these psychos. A beautiful model named Ingrid, played by Brigitte Nielsen (introduced by a bizarre photo shoot featuring robots), witnesses a roadside murder, and is targeted by the group. Cobra decides to take Ingrid to a safehouse out in the country, where after a late-night discussion (while he “assembles his weapon”) on how important it is to kill bad guys, they develop a romantic interest in each other. The next day all hell breaks loose as The Order descends upon them for the final showdown. Rated “C” for COBRA. Directed by George P. Cosmatos.